


Greener With The Scenery

by lunarsoo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst with an okay ending, I hate myself for this, M/M, broken relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 12:38:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14425575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunarsoo/pseuds/lunarsoo
Summary: The first words that left Changkyun’s mouth the last time they saw each other still cut like a sharp knife going through Hoseok’s chest. It still hurt and it still felt like his heart was being ripped apart.“I don’t love you anymore.”





	Greener With The Scenery

**Author's Note:**

> i promised myself i wouldn't write angst for wonkyun but here i am.
> 
> this fic was inspired by one of The Used's songs by the same title, you can listen [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLG9Ja9nIfI). (i still shamelessly listen to the bands i loved when i was 15, yes)

The first words that left Changkyun’s mouth the last time they saw each other still cut like a sharp knife going through Hoseok’s chest. It still hurt and it still felt like his heart was being ripped apart.

“I don’t love you anymore.”

Changkyun’d had that look in his eye. The one that told Hoseok he had been waiting for him, probably sitting alone for hours in the darkness of their small living-room, in the apartment they’d been sharing for less than a year.

The look that told Hoseok he’d been going over the exact words he was going to use to shatter Hoseok’s heart in a million pieces that couldn’t - that Changkyun wouldn’t - put back together.

“Then get the fuck out,” Hoseok had spat, unable to control the anger bubbling in his chest. If he could call it that, anger. It was more like frustration mixed with exhaustion.

They’d acted out this scene way too many times. 

Changkyun would always storm through the door only to come back a few hours - sometimes, a few days - later, tear stricken face and trembling hands, begging for Hoseok to forgive him; swearing he didn’t mean any of those words.

Hoseok would wrap his arms around Changkyun almost immediately after he entered the room. They would hold each other for what always seemed to Hoseok like hours, then they would stumble their way to the bedroom, getting rid of every piece of clothing they were wearing in the process.

And then they would fuck. 

Sometimes it was frantic, desperate and needy and raw. Sometimes it was gentle and slow. Sometimes Hoseok cried in Changkyun’s arms, after, begging Changkyun to never do that again: the shouting, the cursing, _the leaving_.

The way Changkyun always walked through the door with determination, never looking over his shoulder to steal a second glance at the man who’d given him all of himself was the one thing that destroyed Hoseok the most. No matter how many times it happened.

Even if Hoseok sometimes also snapped and said hurtful things back, he never meant it. Changkyun had assured him neither did he.

Except the one time.

The time he didn’t come back and Hoseok spent nearly a week holed up in his apartment, hiding, ignoring his friends’ phone calls and texts and the buzzing of his doorbell. Until one Sunday morning, Kihyun and Hyunwoo had asked Hoseok’s landlord for his extra key and dragged him out of bed to the bathroom for a much needed shower. He couldn’t even tell the last time he had taken one. He couldn’t tell what day it had been. Hell, if someone had asked his own name, he probably would’ve to stop and think for a while.

Hoseok knew now, not without shame, he had hit his lowest point. 

Picking himself up wasn’t easy and it took time. Even if he was slowly getting used to the idea of a life without Changkyun after so much time spent together, making plans and building a life together; it was still hard. It still fucking hurt.

It helped that Changkyun hadn’t only distanced himself from Hoseok but also from their mutual friends. Hoseok didn’t have to avoid social gatherings or anything of the sort in case he would end up bumping into Changkyun and find himself picking at his still-fresh scabs.

“Why don’t you start dating again?” Minhyuk asked one night when they were out for drinks, and the entire table went silent as everyone looked apprehensively at Hoseok and Hyungwon very unsubtly pinched Minhyuk’s side in reproof. 

“I’m not ready,” Hoseok shrugged, taking a sip of his beer, trying to sound nonchalant, ignoring the way his insides twisted at the word _dating_. 

It made him think of when he asked Changkyun out on their first date and how awkward it had been. How shy and flustered Changkyun got when Hoseok took his hand as they walked through the park, watching the sun slowly descend behind the city’s skyscrapers and the orange hues of sunset give way to the dark blue of the night sky. 

_“I don’t love you anymore.”_

Changkyun’s words broke the spell of the memory in Hoseok’s mind, causing him to stand up suddenly, raising concerned looks from his friends.

“I’m fine. I just need some air. Be right back,” he excused himself before stepping outside. It wasn’t summer like it had been on that first date with Changkyun and Hoseok regretted leaving his jacket inside as he stood on the sidewalk, arms wrapped around himself to protect his body from the cold.

His phone vibrated in his pocket suddenly. Hoseok chose to ignore it. It was probably one of his overzealous friends inside, checking up on him, even though they probably could see Hoseok through the huge glass window of the bar.

As if to confirm, Hoseok glanced over his shoulder and caught Minhyuk and Kihyun staring at him through the window. Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, he simply waved at them. Embarrassed, they both pretended like they hadn’t been staring. 

Wishing he had a cigarette even though he had quit smoking years ago, Hoseok put his hands in his pocket. His phone vibrated again so he slipped it out of his pocket this time, a little annoyed.

His breath caught in his throat the moment he saw Changkyun’s name on the screen indicating an incoming call.

After months, Changkyun was finally reaching out. 

A mix of shock, fear and confusion took over Hoseok as he stared, frozen, at the screen. Then the call stopped, probably going to voicemail and Hoseok felt relief wash over him. Hoseok wasn’t ready to talk to Changkyun. It was too soon.

There was a notification sound a few minutes later, as Hoseok made his way back to the bar but he didn’t check it until he was back home, lying in his brand-new bed in his newly rented apartment.

His bedroom was still full of boxes containing the belongings he hadn’t had the time or the motivation to unpack. As he stared at one of the boxes marked “books” and played with the hem of his own t-shirt, he clicked on the voicemail icon on his screen.

A recorded female voice asked him to tap ‘two’ if he wanted to listen to his messages and he did so. He knew who the messages were from, even before Changkyun’s unmistakable low voice came alive at the other end of the line.

_“I know you probably won’t listen to this. I wouldn’t either if I were you. You owe me nothing.”_

There was a pause during which Hoseok closed his eyes, inhaling sharply and releasing his breath slowly, like he’d been practicing for the past few months after he started going to therapy. It was a good way to calm himself down and center himself somehow. It barely worked after listening to Changkyun’s voice after so long, but it was one of the few things he could do.

_“I’m sorry. Let me start again.... I wanna apologize. For the shitty way I left you. It wasn’t fair to you and I should’ve handled it better, but I couldn’t find a better way to do it. I felt trapped and that was the only way I thought I could finally escape for good. Not escape from you. You’ve always been too good to me, Hoseok. You’ve always been amazing… The most amazing person I’ve ever known. I had to escape myself and who I was becoming, because I didn’t want to keep hurting you. I guess I’m a self-destructive piece of shit as you’ve said to me once, even though I know you only said it because I pushed your buttons one too many times.”_

The message ended with a beep.

Hoseok finally took notice of the tears running down his cheeks. He wiped them with the back of his hand, as he played the next message. 

_“I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this, but I feel like I owe you an explanation and an apology. Again, I’m so sorry I acted like that. I’m sorry I couldn’t be as good to you as you were to me. I’m sorry… And thank you for everything. I hope that we can see each other one day and that you don’t hate me too much. That’s it I guess. Bye and take care, Hoseok._

Another beep. The recorded voice told him to press 5 if he wanted to empty the voicemail. Hoseok wasn’t listening. His chest was rising and falling rapidly in tandem with his erratic breathing as he sobbed with a hand over his face, feeling like the burn of the tears was the only thing that could cure him of the immense pain he was feeling right now.

Hoseok cried himself to sleep that night with Changkyun’s words still echoing in his brain.

A couple of months later, when Hoseok told his friends he was meeting Changkyun for lunch the next day, reactions ranged from complete shock to outright rage. Minhyuk stared at Hoseok like he had suddenly grown two heads while Kihyun proceeded to call Changkyun the worst names he could think of before asking Hoseok if he’d gone insane.

“I think it’s time we meet and clear things up. Put the past behind us. It’s been almost a year since we broke up.” Hoseok was proud of himself for being able to say those words without feeling like he was going to throw up. He’d made real progress. 

“You mean almost a year since that asshole broke your heart and left us to pick up the pieces and try to keep you from rotting away inside that apartment,” Kihyun replies between gritted teeth and Hoseok grimaces at the words. 

Minhyuk slaps Kihyun’s thigh, admonishing him for his lack of tact but Hoseok just shakes his head, an amused grin adorning his lips.

“You’re right. He was the asshole that broke my heart, but I survived and I wanna meet with him and talk. I feel like that’s the last thing I have to do before I can completely move on, you know?” 

“I understand, however I’ll only let you go to lunch with Changkyun if you promise that you’ll go out with the guy we met at the club the other day. He was so into you I could practically see the drool running down his chin as he stared at you dancing with Hyunwoo,” Minhyuk says smiling suggestively at Hoseok.

“That’s not a great way to convince me to go out with someone, but sure,” Hoseok agrees with a shrug and Minhyuk’s smile turns into a triumphant grin. Kihyun hums in approval as Hoseok laughs at his friends.

 

Hoseok arrived for his lunch date with Changkyun about fifteen minutes earlier, thinking it best to have the upper-hand in this, somehow. It’d be better if he’s seated when he first saw Changkyun, just in case his body decided to betray him. He was anxious, fidgety and on his third glass of mineral water when he looked up and his eyes landed on Changkyun.

The younger man was walking towards Hoseok’s table, looking exactly as Hoseok remembered him, but also completely different.

Changkyun’s hair was a little longer at the back, but his bangs seemed to have been trimmed perfectly to fall over his eyes in a charming manner. His hair also seemed a shade darker, like he had colored it. It suited him. He was wearing a simple black shirt with a dark denim jacket, and those skinny jeans that hugged his thighs perfectly and that Hoseok had bought for him on their six month anniversary.

Hoseok would be lying if he said the memory didn’t sting a little. 

“Hello,” Changkyun said almost timidly, his deep voice slightly hoarser than Hoseok remembered. 

“Hi, Changkyun,” Hoseok replied with a small smile as they shook hands a bit awkwardly. He gestured for Changkyun to sit on the chair across from him.

“Thanks. Have you ordered yet?” Changkyun asked as he settled on the chair. Hoseok noticed Changkyun was trying to avert his gaze and that made Hoseok feel sad.

“No, I was waiting for you.”

“Oh, alright. Do you want to order now or…”

“I’d rather we talk first. You’re the one who suggested we meet first, so I’m assuming you wanted to tell me something?”

Hoseok instantly regretted being so straightforward as he noticed Changkyun flinch slightly at his words. He didn’t mean to come off as harsh but he really wasn’t here for the food. He was here to talk to Changkyun and the only reason he agreed to lunch was because a public place was neutral territory. 

“I don’t know, to be honest. What I wanted to say, I mean,” Changkyun starts, eyes still anywhere but on Hoseok. “I guess I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“I’m doing good. Better than I have in a while,” Hoseok nodded, watching as Changkyun placed both his hands on the table and proceeded to stare at them. “Will you look at me?”

“W-what?” Changkyun’s eyes widened in surprise, but he finally looked up, gaze meeting Hoseok who couldn’t help but chuckle.

“You haven’t looked at me once since you sat down. You don’t have to be scared. It’s just me, Changkyun.” 

“I-I know, I… I’m a little nervous. We haven’t seen or talked to each other in so long. I’m scared you still hate me for what I did,” Changkyun words came out a bit shaky at first but as he spoke they turned steadier. They also sounded sincere to Hoseok’s ears.

“I never hated you. If anything, I hated myself for not giving you what you wanted or needed. But now I understand it wasn’t only my fault, and neither it was yours. We were both just not meant to be anymore. It happens. It was your time, you just realised it before I did.”

Changkyun seemed so taken aback by Hoseok’s words, that he didn’t even notice he grabbed Hoseok’s glass of water and drank from it. Hoseok swallowed to the urge to tease him like old times and just waited patiently for Changkyun to recover.

“I didn’t expect you to forgive me so soon, if at all,” Changkyun confessed.

“Again, there was nothing to forgive. I know you apologized to me already in those messages you left me, but I want you to know, no apology was needed. I’ll admit that, in the beginning, I didn’t feel like this. I wasn’t this level-headed and didn’t see things so clear and that’s why I asked you for a little more time before we did this. But now I understand that you did what you needed to do for yourself, and now I’m doing the same. For myself.” Hoseok felt himself getting teary-eyed at his own words as he poured his heart out to Changkyun, like he’d never imagined himself doing. 

It did feel good, he thought. It brought him a sense of relief and closure. He hoped that Changkyun felt the same.

“I’m happy for you,” Changkyun said with a small smile.

“And how have you been?” 

“I’ve been.... Busy. With work and everything. I’ve…” Changkyun’s voice trailed off and he looked down at his hands and Hoseok’s close to his. Hoseok followed Changkyun’s gaze and on impulse, he held Changkyun’s fingers in between his in a light grip that would allow Changkyun to retreat them if he wanted to. Changkyun didn’t.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I don’t want you to lie to me,” Hoseok said and Changkyun nodded in understanding. 

“I’ve missed you.” It was barely a whisper but Hoseok heard it clearly. He moved his hand to wrap around Changkyun’s, his fingers easily sliding between the younger man’s, as they had countless times before.

“I know I have no right to, but it’s the truth and you wanted the truth, right?” Changkyun continued, and Hoseok felt something tugging at his heartstrings. That something which always made him pull Changkyun into his embrace all those times before when he came back home to Hoseok.

“Yes. I did,” were Hoseok’s only words before they both fell silent.

Hoseok couldn’t tell for how long they sat there, holding each other’s hands, getting accustomed to each other’s presence again. It could’ve been one hour or five. The only thing Hoseok knew is that when they parted ways, he felt a lot lighter and, strangely enough, more like himself than he’d been in a long time.

They had made no promises to see each other again, but the lingering feeling of Changkyun’s fingers between his, was promise enough. Hoseok wasn’t exactly sure of what, but whatever it was, he hoped it’d be good, and it’d be fair. For the both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> > [twitter](http://twitter.com/cosmicdotae)  
> > [curiouscat](http://curiouscat.me/xuxirolls)


End file.
